Enough

I LOVE driving. Honestly, so much clarity has found me whilst driving. When clarity finds me, healing occurs. I learn about me in new ways and so many epiphanies reach me without having to think too much.

The greatest epiphany I had came to me tonight. What I realised and acknowledged is my desire to always want more. No matter how much inner work I have completed or how hard I work in my career, I never feel fully satisfied. I appreciate everything, and I feel wholesome but this evening I felt, my desire to always want more may start to become a burden. Why? Because all of a sudden I could envision myself with 100's of thousands of pounds in the bank, an amazing husband and gorgeous life, settled with children in a beautiful home, helping people and being recognised for my work and writing, but somehow, I could see myself with this in future and also STILL with that feeling of desiring more, and to be honest, it brought tears to my eyes.

I have always been an ambitious person and a dreamer. No matter what, I always think MORE thoughts. Whether that is related to 'could I have done more?', 'said more?', 'achieved more?' naturally I always question whether there is enough.

I feel content and emotionally in a good place but no matter how well I am doing in life MORE always enters my mind which in turn has me questioning whether what is there, actually is enough?!

Often, the very place that we prayed for we are actually in. But, if like myself, you always want more, will anything you ever do actually BE enough? Ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself. Because I always felt that I was someone who, when reached a goal I would feel enough but actually I am always thinking of the next thing, or envisioning the bigger picture. It's amazing to have ambition and want to strive in life, of course, however for me, this trait of mine is actually becoming tiring.

7 years of consistent commitment to self healing by emotionally working on myself and I have never actually sat and took the time to truly be proud of me and acknowledge myself for all that I am and all I have achieved so far.

I said to my mum the other day 'I feel like I am working so much and I don't feel like I have as much to show for it as what I would like.' This in itself is because I have been way too focused for far too long at my "end goal" which now I have realised is creating feelings of lack. This isn't me anymore, I don't feel lacking. But if it is coming up it's something for me to look at and identify where it stems from and so I did. I realised there is an inner child/teen inside of me that doubts whether all that I do is ever enough because of my abandonment wounds that go as far back as baby years.

I spent years questioning my worth and ability, doubting myself and didn't know who I was or what I was capable of. I have healed a A LOT, but deep rooted wounds can still linger and although I may not consciously feel lacking 100% of the time, feeling like I could always be doing more definitely relates to something and this is where I feel it goes all the way back to.

I share this because, not everyone will have the same wounds as me and not everyone will relate to all of this, however, I witness a lot of people questioning themselves and their abilities, achievements and progress and to me, it's sad, because all I see are people SMASHING it. I see people that have have come so far, but still feel like they are going backwards or not progressing anymore, and to be honest, I never thought I was in that place too, however I still am yet to feel what ENOUGH feels like.

This right here, is me sharing my vulnerability with you so you know, we all have moments of not feeling enough and that more could be done, but right now, exactly where you are at IS enough. You are as well. We all are. Please take a second to acknowledge yourself and praise yourself, like properly. Sit with you and tell yourself how fucking proud you are of you. Feel tears of awe because you are truly realising just how amazing you are. And if you aren't feeling it, it's because you have forgotten, that the place you prayed to be in, is actually the moment right here and the only reason you aren't acknowledging it is because, perhaps you still want more? That's okay if you do, it's great to want to better yourself and your life consistently. BUT in the process of striving, be appreciative of this moment too. Feel satisfied. Because if you don't feel it in the present, nothing will ever feel enough and you will always want more.

So, realise, that right now, exactly where you are is in fact, ENOUGH <3